Obe La Di Obe La Da Life goes on... on.. la la la la life goes on...

Monday, February 28, 2005


this is my room.. post- flood of 2005... it used to be pretty, oh so pretty


Oh well! This too shall pass!


the culpret


Dad's not real thrilled about the walls...


we used to have carpet!


At least Mrs J's got a good attitude about it!

i feel like a fool

Today I feel ickey. I can't really put my finger on what's behind the ickyness, but it's there. It's hard to trust what the Lord is doing when you don't understand it. I am bold in my trust, because he has been faithful in the past, but I just can't put all the pieces of it together right now. It's not like he needs me or my approval or understanding. I guess he's just blessed me with it in the past, so to not understand now is a little challenging.

My attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of the Father.

I will be a fool for you, all because you asked me to.. a simpleton who's seemingly naive, I do believe... you came and made yourself a fool for me...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Life as a Vapor

Everybody's telling me they want to read it, but they can't find it (It's cause they're sellin like hotcakes! :) ) I have found it on www.overstock.com. It only costs $8.78. And it's less than $2.00 shipping.. a steal!

Mud puddles in the living room

Everyday when I get off school, it's like a mad dash to be able to call this place or that place to arrange this or that before they close- and most of them do at 5:00. I'm getting married in less than three months and there are many arrangements to be made. BUT I'm in school all day, so I have like and hour and a half to get it all done. Busy as a Bee.

So today I make my usual "mom" calls. I have two really, my mom, and then my stepmom, Mrs. J. They are tag teamin' it to get this thing put together by May 22! I call em to get the latest news and find out if they have promised someone I'll be somewhere at a certain time... so today I chat with my mama for a while, then try to get Mrs. J. on the phone and I can't. No big deal, I think, so I try to call Ash, my sis/ maid of honor (as she likes to be referred to) Finally Ash calls me back and I ask how she's doing and she says to me, "jess, jess, jess... you are not going to believe what i woke up to this morning." And she's right, i have no clue what she's about to say.. for some crazy reason i thought she was going to say there was a boy beneath her window serenading her with songs on his guitar confessing his undying love.. no joke, i really did think that.. go figure... anyway, I was way off. She says, "I woke up to dad and Mrs. J screaming, I stepped out of my room, and there an inch of water on the floor. (she is in an upstairs bedroom) She thought she was dreaming.. She says she walked down stairs and there were waterfalls streaming from the light fixtures, from all the vents, from the places where the walls met the ceilings. She opened up the laundry room and a sock came floating past her.

The upstairs toilet had overflowed during the night (nobody had used it or anything, it just for some reason, decided to start running) and it ran all night long until my dad stepped out of bed at 5:45 and felt soggy carpet beneath his feet.

Can you imagine? I mean, I am still in shock. I mean, it definately could have been worse. There could have been a fire or something, and it isn't like anyone was hurt... I haven't seen it yet, but when ashley told me about it, i teared up. I mean, my house is ruined. Pictures on the wall are gone, all the carpet, all the furniture is wet, everthing. She said she walked into the living room and there were big bubbles on the wall. The water had caused the paint to separate from the wall and water was collecting inside. They called the insurance people and a couple of hours later a guy came with a big wet vac that held 70 gallons. Ash said he stuck it in one place on the living room floor and had to empty it out after 30 minutes. That's some serious water. She said it's like a hurricane in there right now cause they have 24 fans going and 6 big heaters trying to dry the place out. Unbelievable.

I think it is easy to live an "all about me" lifestyle. It's easy for me to anyway. Especially right now while I've got all this planning going on for my wedding. But today was kinda a shock. It isn't all about me. It never is. And it isn't about stuff. Stuff crinkles and molds when its wet. It's no good to store up treasure here. No good at all. You never know what's going to happen..you can't ever predict. I guess I want to tell myself, don't invest in pretty pictures to hang on the wall or rugs to decorate the floor.. invest in shaping pretty hearts and lives, pretty souls that decorate the indestructable walls of heaven. There, moth and rust and running toilet water have no place. Praise the Lord there is more than what we see...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

everyday china

My dad said he was reading my blog this weekend and made the comment that I may need to "de-blog" some. I don't agree. The blog is just a little thing that kinda keeps track of what's happening in my life and what I am learning and other things. De-blogging would be opposite of good. It would not be honest or real. And what's the point in that.

I guess i should give a little update.

On February 3rd I got engaged. Yes, you read that correctly, engaged, as in, to be married. Actually married rather soon, May 22, 89 days away. Wow. Yeah, came as a shock to me too. Early last semester, I broke up with the boy I had been dating for close to five years, because I just wasn't sure he was "the one." There were some issues there that, at the time, I didn't see changing, and I just couldn't find contentment there, so i did the only thing I could. I went out on my own. I spent all of last semester doing things I had never done, being someone I had never been, getting to know myself in a way I had never before, and it was great. It really was. Breaking up with Benjamin was the greatest decision I ever obeyed. During that five month span we were apart, I learned more than I had learned in a long time. I feel like I grew and just really blossomed. I learned things about the Lord and the world and myself that I could have never learned without the circumstances the way they were. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

He grew too. In leaps and bounds. He is still the same guy, make no mistake about that, but his heart has become fertile ground where there once was thorns. The Lord did some weeding in that garden.

All of the growing that Benjamin and I did apart eventually, beyond what I thought would happen, led us back to one another. I can't really explain it, except to say, that nothing he could have ever said to me could have given me peace and confidence about our situation. He had tried that before. Without a word, my heart was drawn back to him with confidence and resolve unlike anything I had before. For the first time in my life, I was sure of my love and dedication to him. So I had to tell him.

The absolutely rotten part of it all is that other people got hurt in the process. I just don't understand that part. I can see what the Lord was doing on my end, but why would he use one of his children in such a way as to hurt them? I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't like that I was the instrument that he used to cause that hurt. It's no good. At all. The only thing I know to do is to trust in his unfailing love, his never ending promises. But how do you really believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel when all you can see is tunnel? I don't know. I guess faith is the answer, but gee wiz, isn't there another way? I trust you Lord.

I think life is going to go by fast. I hope the Lord uses me even in small ways for something big, the building of His kingdom. I want his to shape me and make me just like he wants.

I've been thinking lately about an anology. I think I got it from the Bible. So it isn't really original or anything I don't think.

So God is the potter, right? We are the clay. He is quite allowed to make us any way he wants. We can be a plain ole pot, for common use, or a really fancy one for really special occasions. I've been picking out everyday and fine china, so I'll use that to illustrate. Each is very good. I really like my fine china pattern I've picked out. It is quite beautiful. Simple and elegant. My favorite part is the sparkley glasses I have to go with them. But let's be honest. How often will we drink out of fancy crystal glasses? Knowing my cooking styles, not too often! But I still like them, and regardless of how much I use them, or how practical they are, I like looking at them, and having them, and I plan to use them on special occasions! Now, everyday china, there's some good stuff. You gotta have something that is practical, durable, yet pretty and cool. Who wants to eat on uncool plates everyday for the rest of their life?! So I am having a hard time picking that one out. I plan on using it a lot. I have in mind what I want and so it's a matter of finding it. I am still lookin.. anyway.. how dumb would it be, (if plates could talk) if my fine china dinner plate said to me, "jess, listen, I just really don't think you should add this extra little platinum band around my outside, it's just too much, I feel bad for taking it and displaying it." That would be silly. Who does my plate think he is telling ME what he wants to be? I like the little platinum band, and I am gonna have it, not cause it makes the plate a better plate, or cause the plate is some special plate better than the other fine china plates out there, but because I LIKE IT. Same thing goes with my everyday china. If I don't want little gold flowers around the border, it isn't up to the plate to decide whether or not it gets em! It isn't about the plate, it's about what I want. It's about what I like. Not for any other reason than I do. And that is enough. It's about what I am going to use it for. The plate needs to LEARN IT'S ROLE! :) OK, so maybe this analogy went a little far, but my head is spinning with trying to plan all this stuff and it's what I got floatin around in there...

I've learned about the latin words, "Soli Deo Gloria." It means, to God alone be the glory. I like that. Who am I to tell the Lord what he can and can't make me. What blessings he can and can't give me. It isn't about me. I am simply a plate. I can get so caught up in thinking that if I am "good" the Lord will bless me. That is silly. The Lord blesses me for HIS glory. HE is the potter. I am just a plate. How stupid of me to think that this life is about anything more than Him. In the end, I do believe, a conceited plate will be quite disappointed.

Monday, February 14, 2005

today was my first day teaching all three classes. pooped doesn't come close to describing it. it went good. the Lord is faithful. i need a nap. don't have time to take one. Two words describe my life right now:
faithful, as in the Lord's faithfulness to me
and
busy.
I am thankful there are seasons in this life.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

teaching and stepping...

I used to hear my friends who were student teaching complain about being tired and having no life outside of schoolwork. I'd think to myself, "yeah right, how could it be that bad?" To all those people who didn't even know I was thinking that, I am sorry. I get it now. You were justified in your complaints and you should get paid millions to do what you do.

School's going good. I gave my first test today. Hopefully the kids did alright, I'm about to grade the second part right now, so I'll see soon!

Teaching is cool, the kids are cool, the other teachers are fun but the OTHER stuff... YUCK! I think there is this underlying concept in the field of education that teachers' time is not valuable or something. They make you do this "fluff" stuff, like go to faculty meetings and have inservice days. I had to cancel working with the kids in family housing this week to go and sit in on a class where all we did was just sit around and talk about our "student teaching experience." Wasted time. I hate it. I guess the focus is, there's people there, so invest, but still, when I have to miss out on other investments to sit and listen to blah blah, i get irritated. Thank goodness I know how to knit. Now there's a way to take unproductive time and make something of it! Anyway, I'll step off the soap box I suppose.

It's really strange how things work out. You can be seeking the Lord with your whole heart, completely full of confidence that you are stepping right along with Him and end up NOT where you thought you were heading or where you want to be. Here's a lil excerpt from my current favorite book, Life as a Vapor, grab your bucket of popcorn, it's a long one:

"THE PATH OF WISDOM MAY NOT BE THE MOST FRUITFUL PATH FOR GOD'S GLORY

We are held accountable for being wise not influential.

The powers of our mind are simply not adequate for deciding which path of life will be most effective for God's kingdom purposes to save sinners, and transform lives, and exalt His name. The reason is that all the signs that we can see may point to a very fruitful ministry in one direction that fits our gifts and seems to meet the greatest need and seems to be a God-given opportunity at this partivular moment, and gets confirmation from wise counselors, and seems to be part of a pattern of divinely orchestrated circumstances, and yet, in spite of all that wisdom, another path than the one that seemed so fruitful, may lead to a single seemingly insignificant event that you could have never foreseen or planned, but which God uses to bring about an effect for the glory of His name beyond anything the wise path would have produced.

For example, what if all the evidences pointed the southern preacher, Mordecai Fowler Ham, away from an evangelistic crusade in Charlotte, North Carolina, in September 1934? What if Scripture and prayer and counsel and circumstances all pointed to a larger, more fruitful ministry in Atlanta? If Mordicai Ham, who has been virtually forgotten by the world, had gone to Atlanta instead of Charlotte, the sixteen-year old William Franklin Graham would not have been converted under his preaching. But as it happened, in the providence of God, Billy Graham became a Christian Because Mordecai Ham came to Charlotte. That conversion was perhaps the most fruitful moment of Ham's entire ministry. No human can plan such things. And no human wisdom can see them coming.

... a seemingly useless path may prove more effective than the best plan we could have made...
...Wisdom means doing the best you can with all the resources at your disposal to discern what the path of fruitfulness is for the glory of God.

This means that we are going to be beld responsible by God to make our choices wisely, because that shows that in this moment our heart is obedient to God's Word and desirous of His glory. THAT is what we are held accountable for. But we are NOT responsible that the choices we make, with the best motives and knowledge available, and with good counsel, will prove to be the most influential or effective choices in producing converts or changing lives. That is God's work, not ours...

We will not be held accountable for whether our planning resulted in wonderful, serendipitous events like the conversion of a Billy Graham.

...(this) should give us an intense passion to honor God in THIS moment of decision-making. It should make us more zeolous in this moment for God's glory to be shown in HOW we make decisions, not how they turn out. And then we should have a deep peace that the final effectiveness of our lives does not hang on our wisdom, but on God's sovereignty.

God will make it His rule to use our best efforts at wise, God-honoring choices to produce the most influential life. But not always. He can break that rule and make even a foolish decision fruitful. He has His ways to keep us humble and fearful of pride. He has his ways to keep us hopeful and protected from discouragement in view of our fallibility. We should be emboldened to move and act in faith, even if we think that our present choice may not have all the data possible, or all the counsel possible, or all the thought and prayer possible.

Our sovereign God is able to take the 80 percent wise choice and make it more influential for Christ than the 90 percent wise choice. This should not make us cavalier about the pursuit of wisdom, since we will be held accountable to pursue it, but it should make us bold that our wisdom is not what determines our influence or our fruitfulness in the end. God is. And He can take the worst detour and, for His wise and sometimes inscrutable purposes, make that route the most fruitful, even though we, in our folly, may be disciplined for taking it. "

-john piper, life as a vapor

I would like to buy eleventy billion copies of this book and distribute them to everyone on the face of the planet.