A marathon blog about a couple of things that have been on my brain

Some dear friends from Clemson, the Kriders, gave us a "one year book of Christian History" where there's a different story about a different giant of the faith everyday. I really like it. I am not much of a history buff. I didn't pass the AP exam in High School, but I do like Christian History. It blows my mind how lots of times we don't care to know about our past as Christians.. anyway.. i read a good one the other day that I think applies to my current situation- sorta. the title of it is "The message was the same, but the results were quite different." And it tells about how in 1740 John Wesley went to preach in Europe and not one person cared to know anything about Christ, they were all just interested in coming to church to see who else was there and chat with their friends. He didn't have one convert. Then 105 years later in 1845, a guy named James Caughey (i don't really know who he is, but the story is about him) went to the same exact place, preching the same exact thing- the good news of the salvation that comes through claiming Jesus's payment for your sin- and I'll have you know that there were 1412 people who asked Christ to pay their sin debt during the week-long revival he had there. And, I'm not big on counting converts, because who can really know anyway, but these methodists organized a follow-up of the new converts where they got them involved and plugged into a sunday school-type class, each one had a mentor, i mean, nobody slipped through the cracks.. they didn't just count them that day, they added them to the body of the church that was there- how awesome! I want that! I want a thousand people to come to know the Lord through being in contact with me for a week! I bet John Wesley did too.. but it didn't happen. Should he be sad? Should he be disappointed? Well I can tell you I would be. 1 Corinthians 3:7 says, "The ones who do the planting or watering aren't important, but God is important because he is the one who makes the seed grow. " Both of these men served God faithfully. They brought the same message and obeyed the same Lord in sharing it. However, there were different results. I am so STUCK on wanting the results that i can't just be joyful and content in living the life of a servant who daily takes up her cross, follows and obeys her savior. And it's frustrating. And the most part of me says that God is in control. But there is a small part of me(and small parts can be a big problem, if you've ever had a splinter in your foot you know) that says that I have or will or can mess it up. I that I am not following, I am not listening, obeying, doing... whatever... I have often thought of it as a crystal vase. (I got like 17 of them for wedding gifts- that and pewter platters, why?!) Anyway- I really like them. And I like to put flowers in them. I love both the kind with all the cuts and carvings in them so that the light sparkles all pretty in them, and I like the smooth, elegant ones that are just glass, but beautiful and simple. So here's where this ties in- Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. That's my life verse. I cling to it. it's even in my IM screenname, so you know it's gotta be big! :) SO- He promises to use all things together for good. I once wrote a blog about a broken vase, and that Jesus took the punishment for breaking the vase after the kid had played ball in the house.. so I think about it maybe like that God takes all those broken pieces of that vase and puts them together making a very beautiful and dazziling new vase.. he makes a new creation, still a vase, still of the same crystal, but in a new form, but it's nice since he made it. Alright, here's the thing- I want the original vase. I don't want the glued together pretty one. I want the one without a crack in it. I know God can take my broken pieces and make them into beautiful creation, but I don't want Him to. I don't want Him to use everything for good, i just want the good! And that is what I am struggling with right now. walking through broken pieces knowing that what they were was pretty and that what he can make them is prettier- but trusting that and not longing for how it was before the vase was broken. Sin is here. Period. The vase is broken- and so is my heart because of it. I just wish it weren't this way, and I guess now it's just a matter of learning how to live amongst the brokenness with a faith that rises above what I can see. I think when he presents me with the vase He's made out of all of my broken pieces, I'll be bedazzled by it and think it is marvelous. Til then- I'll be dreaming of what it looks like.