everyday china

My dad said he was reading my blog this weekend and made the comment that I may need to "de-blog" some. I don't agree. The blog is just a little thing that kinda keeps track of what's happening in my life and what I am learning and other things. De-blogging would be opposite of good. It would not be honest or real. And what's the point in that.

I guess i should give a little update.

On February 3rd I got engaged. Yes, you read that correctly, engaged, as in, to be married. Actually married rather soon, May 22, 89 days away. Wow. Yeah, came as a shock to me too. Early last semester, I broke up with the boy I had been dating for close to five years, because I just wasn't sure he was "the one." There were some issues there that, at the time, I didn't see changing, and I just couldn't find contentment there, so i did the only thing I could. I went out on my own. I spent all of last semester doing things I had never done, being someone I had never been, getting to know myself in a way I had never before, and it was great. It really was. Breaking up with Benjamin was the greatest decision I ever obeyed. During that five month span we were apart, I learned more than I had learned in a long time. I feel like I grew and just really blossomed. I learned things about the Lord and the world and myself that I could have never learned without the circumstances the way they were. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

He grew too. In leaps and bounds. He is still the same guy, make no mistake about that, but his heart has become fertile ground where there once was thorns. The Lord did some weeding in that garden.

All of the growing that Benjamin and I did apart eventually, beyond what I thought would happen, led us back to one another. I can't really explain it, except to say, that nothing he could have ever said to me could have given me peace and confidence about our situation. He had tried that before. Without a word, my heart was drawn back to him with confidence and resolve unlike anything I had before. For the first time in my life, I was sure of my love and dedication to him. So I had to tell him.

The absolutely rotten part of it all is that other people got hurt in the process. I just don't understand that part. I can see what the Lord was doing on my end, but why would he use one of his children in such a way as to hurt them? I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't like that I was the instrument that he used to cause that hurt. It's no good. At all. The only thing I know to do is to trust in his unfailing love, his never ending promises. But how do you really believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel when all you can see is tunnel? I don't know. I guess faith is the answer, but gee wiz, isn't there another way? I trust you Lord.

I think life is going to go by fast. I hope the Lord uses me even in small ways for something big, the building of His kingdom. I want his to shape me and make me just like he wants.

I've been thinking lately about an anology. I think I got it from the Bible. So it isn't really original or anything I don't think.

So God is the potter, right? We are the clay. He is quite allowed to make us any way he wants. We can be a plain ole pot, for common use, or a really fancy one for really special occasions. I've been picking out everyday and fine china, so I'll use that to illustrate. Each is very good. I really like my fine china pattern I've picked out. It is quite beautiful. Simple and elegant. My favorite part is the sparkley glasses I have to go with them. But let's be honest. How often will we drink out of fancy crystal glasses? Knowing my cooking styles, not too often! But I still like them, and regardless of how much I use them, or how practical they are, I like looking at them, and having them, and I plan to use them on special occasions! Now, everyday china, there's some good stuff. You gotta have something that is practical, durable, yet pretty and cool. Who wants to eat on uncool plates everyday for the rest of their life?! So I am having a hard time picking that one out. I plan on using it a lot. I have in mind what I want and so it's a matter of finding it. I am still lookin.. anyway.. how dumb would it be, (if plates could talk) if my fine china dinner plate said to me, "jess, listen, I just really don't think you should add this extra little platinum band around my outside, it's just too much, I feel bad for taking it and displaying it." That would be silly. Who does my plate think he is telling ME what he wants to be? I like the little platinum band, and I am gonna have it, not cause it makes the plate a better plate, or cause the plate is some special plate better than the other fine china plates out there, but because I LIKE IT. Same thing goes with my everyday china. If I don't want little gold flowers around the border, it isn't up to the plate to decide whether or not it gets em! It isn't about the plate, it's about what I want. It's about what I like. Not for any other reason than I do. And that is enough. It's about what I am going to use it for. The plate needs to LEARN IT'S ROLE! :) OK, so maybe this analogy went a little far, but my head is spinning with trying to plan all this stuff and it's what I got floatin around in there...

I've learned about the latin words, "Soli Deo Gloria." It means, to God alone be the glory. I like that. Who am I to tell the Lord what he can and can't make me. What blessings he can and can't give me. It isn't about me. I am simply a plate. I can get so caught up in thinking that if I am "good" the Lord will bless me. That is silly. The Lord blesses me for HIS glory. HE is the potter. I am just a plate. How stupid of me to think that this life is about anything more than Him. In the end, I do believe, a conceited plate will be quite disappointed.