Can you tell I need a vacation?

It's saturday night. I've been studying evolutionary biology since about 5:00 this afternoon. As I am sitting here staring at this book that is trying to make sense of life, I find myself agreeing with some of it. And I feel like a traitor. Mostly i feel small. "If all the worlds were scattered and I found my way to here, then how could i love you the way that I love you. Big sky and a silver moon, the apple of your eye.. how can i explain it, how can i maintain this...One big bang an atom I? Oh, how'd I come to be, whittled from a boulder's harder to believe... I hope in things I cannot see I know that you will come... seasons quickly turning, quickly you're returning." (jennifer knapp- around me) I know we will never know, and people much smarter than I, have thought about it way longer than I ever will, but I keep coming back to the paradox between the bigness and smallness of God. he created it all. he thought of every small thing. butterflies. dna replication. protein synthesis. brains. emotions. There's an overflow song that asks, "when you hung the stars in the sky and you saw it was good, was it all just for me? when you showed the sun where to rise and the night where to hide, was it all just for me?...You knew my name before you even made the moon.. there's no way I can be the one to bring me closer to you..." It's all, every part of every thing, to show us something about Him. Everything that is seen is to point us to what is unseen. Our senses even. they seem so real. Like they are the end. We miss it. Nothing we see will last. It's like a puff of breath on a winter morning. I wish I was bolder. Lord, make me bold for you.

He thinks about gravity- holding everything down so that we don't all just fly off into space. He thinks about making all the little processes work so that my hair will grow, and grow curly at that! He cares about what I did today. He cares about how I felt when I did the things I did today. He acts as if I am the only person in the world. He does that for anyone who comes to Him. He does that for everyone. Why is it so hard to come to him? Why, if all of creation shouts, "I AM HERE! I DID ALL THIS FOR YOU," is their likely to be more people in hell than in heaven? i hate it. it seems like such an injustice. i don't understand 1- why it has to be that way and 2- why I see it. I guess the "why" questions don't really get me anywhere with God. It's more the "who" questions. "Who are you God, and what does this show about you?"

We are born enemies of the one who created us. We are not neutral, we are a rebellious people. We do what he tells us not to, from the get-go. We are selfish and disobeident. Every human that has ever been born deserves punishment. He's fair. He told us what would happen if we acted that way. "the wages (cost) of sin is death." The fact that he calls any of us, who are his enemy, his friend, shows how merciful, patient, grace- abounding and good he is. And "who" is he, in making me see it? And he says to me, I AM who I AM. And that is enough.